


the only way is forward

by demonicneonfishy



Series: february angst-fest (febuwhump 2021) [5]
Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Alcohol, Gen, Pre-Canon, Suicidal Thoughts, a lot of it, booker is having a very bad day, mostly implied - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 09:41:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29223372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demonicneonfishy/pseuds/demonicneonfishy
Summary: The last of his family is gone, and he’s still here.
Relationships: Booker | Sebastien le Livre & Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani, Booker | Sebastien le Livre & Nicky | Nicolo di Genova
Series: february angst-fest (febuwhump 2021) [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2141784
Comments: 1
Kudos: 30





	the only way is forward

**Author's Note:**

> day 5 of febuwhump 2021  
> prompt: "take me instead"

On the day Sebastien’s youngest son dies, he’s not allowed in to see him.

The last time he’d visited, Jean-Pierre had screamed and cursed at him for something he couldn’t control.  _ Why do you get to live when we die? Did you ever love any of us?  _ After that, he’d been asked discreetly not to return. 

_ We’re sorry, monsieur, but your presence is upsetting the patient _ .

But they’d still told him when it was almost time, and so he sits outside the room, his hands shaking, hoping for a miracle.

The door opens, and Nicolas, who’d offered his help when he’d heard about Jean-Pierre, explaining that he’d had centuries of medical training, steps out. Sebastien straightens, searching the other man’s face for  _ anything _ to tell him what’s going on.

“I think it is best if we step outside for a moment,” Nicolas tells him, and the ground falls out from under Sebastien’s feet.

Numbly, he lets Nicolas pull him to his feet, take his arm gently and steer him out of the building. His head is spinning. 

“Tell me,” he whispers once they’re outside. “Please.”

Nicolas studies him for a moment, leaning against the wall with his arms folded, then sighs. “He was not in pain. When it happened.”

“Did he say anything about me?” he says before he can think about it. Perhaps it is best if he does not know, but at the same time he has to.

Nicolas says nothing, but there is sympathy in his eyes. “He did not know what he was saying.”

“Don’t lie to me. Please.”

“Yes. But it will not help you to hear it.”

And maybe Nicolas is right. Maybe, another day, he will be strong enough. Now, he closes his eyes and tries his hardest not to fall to pieces in the alleyway behind the hospital.

Nicolas touches his shoulder lightly. “We should go home.”

Home. He doesn’t  _ have _ a home anymore. There is nothing keeping him here.

Sebastien shrugs Nicolas’ hand off and walks away. He can feel Nicolas’ eyes on his back, but the other man makes no move to follow.

* * *

The problem with an increased healing factor, Sebastien has discovered, is that it makes it much harder to get drunk the way he wants to. 

He’d moved from bar to bar, and ended up in the room he’d been staying in while Jean-Pierre was in the hospital. The room he doesn’t need anymore, because Jean-Pierre is  _ dead _ . Because the last of his family is gone, and he’s still here. 

There’s a knock on the door, and Sebastien can’t be bothered to respond. Just takes another drink. Maybe, if he’s lucky, the intruder will kill him so he doesn’t have to think for a while.

The door opens, and Joseph stands on the threshold, looking down at him sadly.

“Go away,” Sebastien tells him.

“I’m not leaving you alone like this.”

“What if I want to be alone?”

“You don’t.” Joseph crosses the room to sit beside him. “Nico told me. I’m sorry.”

Sebastien blinks back tears and drinks again. “He deserved this, you know. He’d be able to do some good. Better than me.”

Joseph doesn’t say anything. 

“But  _ I’m _ the one stuck like this, and- and I wish I’d died when I should have. It should have taken me instead.”

Sebastien hurls the bottle in his hand at the wall with an anguished shout, and it shatters into a thousand pieces. Joseph touches his shoulder, and he breaks, collapsing into Joseph’s arms with a broken cry. 

“I know,” Joseph says quietly. “I know.”

Sebastien isn’t sure how long they stay there, Joseph holding onto him as he cries. It’s long enough for the alcohol’s effects to lessen, leaving him with his grief once again clawing at his throat. 

“Let’s go home,” Joseph says, and this time, Sebastien nods.

**Author's Note:**

> slight deviation from the prompt but the spirit's still there.  
> -  
> i'm demonicneonfishy on tumblr too if you wanna come say hi!! (or yell at me for the angst)


End file.
